The cool summer night blew into the window as I was driving back home. “I just couldn’t believe she’s gone” I thought to myself. I thought about what to do next like funeral arrangements, grave stones, but first things first I needed to call up the rest of my family. I arrive back at the apartment complex and pulled in my usually parking spot. I looked around to see if Rich’s car was there, but it was nowhere to be found. I’d check my phone to see if I had any missed calls, but I didn’t, not even a text message. “Fuck, where is he?” I thought as I walked up the flight of stairs to my apartment. I pulled out my keys, turned the knob and walked in. The apartment was dark and cool, and it looked exactly how I felt a mess. “You can really tell that two guys live here” I thought as I picked up the clothes, put the dishes in the dishwasher and vacuumed the place from end to end. While I was vacuuming in the living room I notice Grandma Mattie’s picture hanging on the wall. Tears immediately flowed from the confines of my spirit, out of my eyes and streamed themselves down my cheeks. I felled to my knees and cried out to God:
“Why have you deserted in my time of need God?”
“I’ve gone to church . . .
“I’ve said my prayers . . .”
“I’ve done nothing but good in your name”
“Why do I feel so alone!!!”
“It’s like . . . you don’t hear me”
“It’s like . . . you enjoy my pain”
“Why have allowed the enemy access to my life?”
“Tell me please, so I can understand”
Understand why you have taken my grandmother away”
Understand why you allowed me to be in a loveless relationship”
Understand why the people around me take, but never give”
“I’m on my last strand of faith God”
“I’m not sure how much more I can take”
“I thought you were a merciful God”
“Thought you would take care of me”
“Where are you!!!!!”
“Answer me dammit!!!!!!!!
“Where are you!!?”
“Please, just tell me why!!”
“I just need an answer”
The tears began to subside as I release my anger. I’m sure Grandma Mattie wouldn’t be please with my behavior towards God. She would always say, “Do not question the man, who already knows and has the answers . . . God has your best interests at heart, so shut up and accept what God allows”. I got up off my knees with tear stained eyes and went to the kitchen for a glass of wine to sooth my sorrows. I’d pulled out a wine glass and went to the refrigerator to get the white wine. I pour a glass, lit a vanilla scented candle and turned on the radio.
I’d almost drop my glass when I heard one of Grandma Mattie’s favorite gospel songs “Accept What God Allows by Bishop Richard “Mr. Clean” White & Twinkie Clark. As I sat there and listen to the songs and drinking my wine, I couldn’t help but smile. For one moment I was at peace when the song ended. Guess who decided to show up.