Apple Cinnamon & Vanilla

As I sat in my living room thinking about the past few months of this year, I just couldn’t help but to grow a little sad. “What has happen to my life”, I thought to myself. It was a warm spring evening; I had poured me a glass of wine and open the sliding screen door to let some fresh air into the living room. A warm breeze with a slight chill gently hit my face. The breeze filled my living room and gave me a relaxing vibe feeling. “I love spring evenings”, I thought as I went to go get my candle lighter. I had lit several of my favorite scented candles, which were apple cinnamon and vanilla; the room began to smell like apple pie and vanilla ice cream. The mood was set; all I needed was a little background music to help me think about some current events that took place in my life. I went and pull out my cd case, and I found this CD with no writing on it, but it did have a sad face on it and the number 3. “Perfect”, I thought. “This fits my mood perfectly”. When I put the CD in the CD player and sat in my chair and took a sip of the wine, I listened to the first song which brought tears to my eyes.



The song faded into the background of the living room. Tears began to fall out of my eyes as I realized how I allowed a man to come into my life and rip my heart out. I took another sip of my wine and set the glass down on the side table beside the chair. I sat up in the chair and drop my head. I was tired, tired of all the lying, him treating me as if I was nothing and all of the lonely nights as he left me to deal with the issues of my life on my own. I was just tired of putting in 100 + and all I was getting was 20. I was tired of sacrificing for him but when I want him to do the same it was an issue. I had put my life on pause to get him back on his feet. I’ve been used, my bank account was low, my spirit was drained and I just couldn’t give anymore. Now he’s gone and I’m alone. . . Another breeze blew through the living room making the candles flicker light in the living room. I just sat in the moment and smile to myself as I listen to the next song.

As the second song filled my room with its last note, I just couldn’t help but think, “Would I truly be alright?” I looked at my wine glass and glanced all around my living. I had paused and admired a piece of art that I had brought at an art gallery. The painting was of a small child gazing down a river’s path. The child was alone in the painting so I had assumed that he was lost and couldn’t find his way home, but somehow it seemed as though the child knew that if he follows the river’s path, he will eventually make it home because the child’s facial expression was at peace as the river flowed in the direction of the sun. As I reached for my wine glass, I just thought of how much I am just like the lost boy in the painting. I have been up and down since my recent break up. I had turned into “that” guy desperate for love, wanting and needing it. I had lost myself in him trying desperately to please his every need, pushing my needs aside hoping he won’t leave me. When and where did I make this wrong turn? . . . “God something has got to change”, I thought. I just sat, closed my eyes and had a long overdue talk with God. Tears flow as my conversation went on for an hour. . . I had opened my eyes and just spoke through the tears. “I may have to be alone for a while, but if that is what I have to do to get back to me, then that is exactly what I will do. Another breeze blew into my living room as if God himself was pleased. I sat back in my chair and picked up my glass of wine and listened to last song on the CD with an expression of peace on my face like the little boy in the painting.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home - Chapter 4

The cool summer night blew into the window as I was driving back home. “I just couldn’t believe she’s gone” I thought to myself. I thought about what to do next like funeral arrangements, grave stones, but first things first I needed to call up the rest of my family. I arrive back at the apartment complex and pulled in my usually parking spot. I looked around to see if Rich’s car was there, but it was nowhere to be found. I’d check my phone to see if I had any missed calls, but I didn’t, not even a text message. “Fuck, where is he?” I thought as I walked up the flight of stairs to my apartment. I pulled out my keys, turned the knob and walked in. The apartment was dark and cool, and it looked exactly how I felt a mess. “You can really tell that two guys live here” I thought as I picked up the clothes, put the dishes in the dishwasher and vacuumed the place from end to end. While I was vacuuming in the living room I notice Grandma Mattie’s picture hanging on the wall. Tears immediately flowed from the confines of my spirit, out of my eyes and streamed themselves down my cheeks. I felled to my knees and cried out to God:

“Why have you deserted in my time of need God?”

“I’ve gone to church . . .

“I’ve said my prayers . . .”

“I’ve done nothing but good in your name”

“Why do I feel so alone!!!”

“It’s like . . . you don’t hear me”

“It’s like . . . you enjoy my pain”

“Why have allowed the enemy access to my life?”

“Tell me please, so I can understand”

Understand why you have taken my grandmother away”

Understand why you allowed me to be in a loveless relationship”

Understand why the people around me take, but never give”

“I’m on my last strand of faith God”

“I’m not sure how much more I can take”

“I thought you were a merciful God”

“Thought you would take care of me”

“Where are you!!!!!”

“Answer me dammit!!!!!!!!

“Where are you!!?”

“Please, just tell me why!!”

“I just need an answer”

……………………..

The tears began to subside as I release my anger. I’m sure Grandma Mattie wouldn’t be please with my behavior towards God. She would always say, “Do not question the man, who already knows and has the answers . . . God has your best interests at heart, so shut up and accept what God allows”. I got up off my knees with tear stained eyes and went to the kitchen for a glass of wine to sooth my sorrows. I’d pulled out a wine glass and went to the refrigerator to get the white wine. I pour a glass, lit a vanilla scented candle and turned on the radio.

I’d almost drop my glass when I heard one of Grandma Mattie’s favorite gospel songs “Accept What God Allows by Bishop Richard “Mr. Clean” White & Twinkie Clark. As I sat there and listen to the songs and drinking my wine, I couldn’t help but smile. For one moment I was at peace when the song ended. Guess who decided to show up.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home - Chapter 3

*Okay let’s go back a couple hours to 3:35am that Saturday morning.*

Yo, have you ever been so horny that you just couldn’t help yourself? I mean there are so many beautiful men and women out there, how can you not want to tap something. It’s something about catching that dude’s eye and getting him to do whatever I want him to do or getting that sexy ass female to kneel before me servicing me like the chocolate, 10in dick and 6’0”ft king I am. Yeah I know, I should just be single, but don’t judge me . . . I love my dude and I try to stay faithful; in fact, it’s different with him. I’m not just fucking Jacob I’m making love to him, but I do feel like I’m missing something out there. Come on now, don’t judge me . . . these hoes out here don’t mean a thing to me. It’s just fucking . . . and what my dude doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

I stood in one of the red lit rooms in the back of the club. The muffle beats of club music can be heard far off in the distance. I laid my back against the wall as the sounds of moans and groans grew louder in the next room. “Dam, who ever that is, is getting that shit” I thought to myself as the dude I was with unbuckled my pants. He was a young, naïve looking bruh, a stupid ass mother fucker, just another hoe willing to do any and everything just to get some dick. I knew I didn’t have much time before the club close so I told dude let’s get this shit on and popping. I couldn’t stand that I was cheating on Jacob, but my dick had to get a taste of this young, smooth, tight ass bruh. Guilt over took me as dude pulled my dick out from my boxers and placed it in his mouth. Sucking it at a slow pace at first, but picking up speed as my dick grew harder. It felt so good, but my guilt only grew stronger with every flick of his tongue on my dick.

I reached in my pockets and pulled out blunt I made earlier. I had to do something to taking my mind off of Jacob. When I lit the blunt and took a long hit, all of my morals and concerns about Jacob dulled out as the pleasure I was receiving intensify. I laid my head back as dude began to suck my dick harder and faster. I took another hit of the blunt. “Dam, nigga . . . go ahead and suck that shit” I said as I grab dude’s head and force my dick down his throat. I felt him start to resist me when the dick became too much for him to deep throat. Still I kept forcing him to take every inch of my dick. His struggles were turning me on, and as the spit drip down the sides of his mouth and along my shaft I let dude go.

He took a quick pause . . . “Dam yo, what the fuck” he said looking at me gasping for air.

“Shut the fuck up and get back to what you were doing” I said grabbing his head and forcing my dick down his throat with one hand and the blunt in the other. Dudes mouth was good as fuck as I tried to go balls deep in dude’s mouth.

I took another hit of the blunt. The shit had me horny than a motherfucker, the sounds of my dick in that warm mouth all I could think of was “I had to fuck”. I let go of dude and told him to get his ass up, pulled his pants down and get up against the wall. Just like a stupid motherfucker, he did what he was told. I strapped up (can never be too careful these days) and used my spit as lubrication. I let dude take a hit of the blunt so he can relax a bit before I fuck the shit out of his ass. I slowly slid my dick in side of him. Shit was tight as motherfucker but dude allowed me to go in. His ass was nice and wram and it warp around my dick just right. As I went deeper inside of him, the more I began to hate myself. I hate doing this to Jacob but I was a prisoner of the addiction, I was prisoner of my own sin, trapped by my own body. I pushed further inside of him making him moan louder. His ass felt, so good as he threw that ass back on my dick. I took the blunt back and took another hit. Surges of pleasure hit my dick as dude began to slide up and down on it.

The deeper it went inside of him, the more the hate grew. Not only I hated myself, but I hated him. “Stupid ass mother fucker” I thought as began to take control and slam my dick inside of him hard. “Shiiiit yo, you’re hurting me” dude said trying to stop me. I held both of his hands together against the wall and forced him to take it. Pounding his ass like there was no tomorrow. I couldn’t stand him; everything about dude began to disgust me. His moans, his body, and he control over me. I thought I was stronger than my addiction, but I was weak and I hated him for making me weak. With one last stroke of my dick in his ass I bust a phat nut inside of him. I kept my dick inside dude for awhile breathing hard on his back. I took another hit of the blunt . . . and slowly pulled my limp dick from him. I’d pulled the condom off, threw it in the trash, pulled and zipped my pants up, and then I headed out the door. I left dude there ass out. I didn’t even look at him. If I did I knew I would fuck his punk as up for making me weak.

As I headed back and proceeded my way out the club exit to meet up with my boys, I notice that Jacob had called and left a voicemail. I dialed 1 for voicemail ***(You have one unheard message, to play the message press one.) (Click) (First message) “Yo, what the fuck is really good man, sending me to voice mail and all. Its 4:30am where the hell you at!! Give me call when get this. I’m on my way to the hospital to see about my Grandma”. *** After I heard the message, I told my bois to go on without me and we can meet up later tonight. We dap and I got in my car and headed home. I was so fucking high I didn’t even realize what time Jacob said on his message. “Fuck!! I said as I looked at the clock on my car radio.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home - Chapter 2

“Jacob. . . Jacob!” said my mom running towards me.

“The doctor said she doesn’t have much time”

“What happen to her?” I said as I began to tear up.

“The doctor said she had a stroke and he’s expecting the worst”

Just then a middle age white man came out of my grandmother’s room.

“How is my grandmother doing doctor?”

“Please call me Dr. Murphy”.
“Your grandmother is stable right now, but I am certain she doesn’t have much longer”

“Why are you so certain?” I said

“The stroke caused a severed reduction in blood to the brain causing her brain to be deprived of oxygen”

“Can I see her?” I said as the thought of me losing my grandma became a reality.

“Yes, but just one person at a time”

“You go baby” my mom said.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself in there, seeing my mother in a hospital bed.”

“We’ll just stand out here and pray for Grandma Mattie” said my mom

I gave my mother a hug and proceed into the room. It was weird seeing her like this; lying in that hospital bed with a mask over her face. I couldn’t help but shed some more tears as I listen to the heart monitor beep to the rhythm of my grandma’s heart beat. I thought back to a past memory of me and my grandma. She was holding me in her arms when I was six, singing her favorite hymn.

Dream sequence

*Singing*

“Jesus, keep me near the cross,
There a precious fountain
Free to all, a healing stream
Flows from Calvary’s mountain.”

*Grandma Mattie sung the beautiful hymn*

“What is that you’re singing grandma?” I said as I looked up into her warm brown eyes.

“It’s an old hymn baby” said grandma humming the rest of the hymn.

“Why do you sing it?”

“Because it keeps me going baby”

“How does it keep you going grandma?”

“Because it reminds that all my troubles won’t last forever baby”

“I don’t understand?” I said making a confused face at my grandma

“You will baby” said grandma rubbing my cheek.

She went back to singing the old hymn. As my eyes began to close, I heard grandma say, “And when you do go through the hard times, never forget these two things; never forget who God is, and never forget who you are baby”.

*Singing* “In the cross, in the cross,
Be my glory ever;
Till my rapture soul shall find
Rest beyond the river.”

___________________________________

I held my grandma’s hand and began to sing her favorite hymn as the heart monitor beats got slower and slower.

“Near the cross I’ll watch and wait
Hoping, trusting ever,
Till I reach the golden strand,
Just beyond the river.”

As I sung the last word the heart monitor flat lined

“Nurse! Doctor! HELLPPP, PLEASSEE” I yelled as I held on to my grandma’s hand hoping that she will come back to me.

The Dr. Murphy rushed in, but he knew it was too late.

“Please help her doctor!”

“I’m sorry son, but there is nothing I can do”

“There has to be something, where’s the fucking crash cart, GO GET THE FUCKING CRASH CART!!!” I said as the pain rolled in my stomach

“I’m sorry but again there is nothing I can do” the doctor said as he clicked off the heart monitor.

Just then something clicked inside of me. My pain turned into anger and before I knew it I had attacked the doctor. I just kept hitting and hitting. I heard someone yell for security and when I realized what I have done; I was being escorted out of the hospital. I thought I was going to jail but the guard just told me to go home and don’t come back. As I reluctantly went back to the parking and got back in my car, I felt the pain of loss filled my insides. I just laid my head on the steering wheel and cried.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home

“Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve somehow lost yourself along the way in this lifestyle?” Whether you’ve felt this way or not, there’s going to come a time when you have to ask yourself the age old question, “Who Am I?” “Am I Black?” or “Am I African American?”, “Am I Bi?” or “Am I Gay?”, “Am I Masculine?” or “Am I In-between?” “Am I Top or Bottom” or maybe your neither of those things and your just simply you. Any ways your time will come but for now just hear me out.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Jacob S. Peterson Jr. I am 27 years old and I am currently in a law program at UNC at Charlotte in North Carolina. I am enjoying and hating every bit of it lol. I also work at Davis & McCoy Law Firm here in Charlotte as a paralegal under Mr. Anthony R. Davis. I have a good life, a man who has my heart, and a wonderful job. What more can I ask for? Even though life seems good, I have this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that my good life is going to change for the worst. I just didn’t that it would all start with a phone call.

(Ring, Ring)

The house phone rang.

“Who the fuck is calling at 3 am”, I thought to myself as I looked sleepily at the clock.

(Ring, Ring)

I scrambled out of bed to pick up the phone.

“Hello”

“Jacob!” said my mom breathing hard and crying

“What’s wrong mom?” I said in a scared concern tone.

“It’s Mama Mattie”

“What about grandma?” I said as my fear increased

“They rushed . . .

Her to the hospital . . .

. . . It doesn’t look to good Jacob” said my mom trying to keep from
crying.

“Calm down Mom, okay. I said in a calming voice

Where are they taking her?” I said.

“To Presbyterian hospital on Hawthorne Lane”

“Okay, I will be right there!”

“Alright baby, and please hurry!” said my mom fearing the worst.

I hung up the phone up, and threw on some sweats, a wife beater, some
sneakers and a jacket. As I grabbed the keys to my car I noticed that Rich wasn’t home. I paused for a moment . . . but quickly pushed the thought of Rich whereabouts out of my head. I had to get to the hospital and see what is up with Grandma Mattie.

On the way to the hospital my mind flashed between Grandma Mattie and Rich. “Where the hell he could be?” I thought as I pulled out my cell phone to call him. I can hear Grandma Mattie’s voice now as I search for Rich’s number.

“Baby, that tech stuff is no good; when was the last time you dial a number? I swear for God, people just don’t know how to communicate anymore”. I thought smiling to myself as Rich’s phone rang.

(Ring, Ring . . .Yo, you’ve reached Rich leave a message after the beep)

“Yo, what the fuck is really good man, sending me to voice mail and all. Its 4:30am where the hell you at!! Give me call when get this. I’m on my way to the hospital to see about my Grandma”.

A couple mins later I’ve arrived at the hospital. I parked in the parking lot of the ER and ran to the front desk.

“Excuse me miss, I’m looking for Ms. Mattie C. Peterson’s Room” I said not sure what to think about my grandmother’s health.

“Yes sir she is located in room 306” said the young petite nurse.

“Thank you”

I rushed down the hall, down to the nearest elevator. When I got to the third floor, I saw my mother, father, and sister, all standing in the hall sobbing.

“Was I too late?”

Untitled 3

"Hurt by the past

Its pain projected into the future.

Afraid to face the present,

Afraid to face his love,

This is my tragic inevitability."

When He Loves Another, and Doesn't See You

I'm sure most of you have been attracted, and had develop some type of feelings for a man that loves another. Me & this dude met a while back, and it was nice speaking to someone who has the same taste of music as me, and it is very rare that I would connect with someone on a mental level. Everything was going fine until he told me that his ex had contacted him via a text message. He reveal to me that he was still in love with his ex. I must admit I was a little taken aback when he told me this. In my mind I wondered how can I compete with a person who clearly has his heart. Should I stay, Should I go? These thoughts ran through my head.

He asked me what he should do? There was much compassion, and love in his voice when he said this. It was almost as if he wanted me to give him permission to something he knew he had to do, and that was to tell his ex how he truly felt. So I set my bruised ego aside, and told him that he should tell his ex how he felt. Long story short the ex never responded, and again I felt like I had a chance.

Maybe a week had past, and as my feelings for him grew a little deeper because I finally went to visit him. It was a nice visited, and I understood that my feelings for him were just that feelings, but they were on the pathway of falling in love with him some day. Still he didn't know how I felt, and that my feelings were starting this journey to love.

As my feelings deepen with every phone conversation we had, out of the blue the ex finally contacts him via a phone call. My feelings were hurt because I knew I was about to miss out. When he told me this over the phone. My emotions got the best of me, and I told him how I felt (That was my bruised ego talking) I started thinking as I was telling him how I felt, "Was it fair for me to do this to him?", and it wasn't. I made a decision, and asked him one question, "Does your ex make you happy?", and his answer was, "yes". Then I told him, "That he owe it to himself to see where him, and his ex could go". I told him,"That I rather have him as a friend than to not have him at all in my life because I truly cared about him" (Now that was the real love within me talking).

Don't get me wrong it hurt, but real love itself isn't jealous of another. Real love doesn't restrict another's happiness because you had feelings for a person as if you had some claim to them.

"Real love gives freedom, and Real love is freedom"` Osho

I hope it does work for him because I do want him to be happy. Maybe I was meant to be just a friend. Who knows . . . anyways I learned that you need to set aside your ego, so you can see that if you truly like/love someone, and truly want them to be happy you should step aside and let them have their happiness. That is what real love would do for a person you truly care about.

. . . . . . . . .Lesson Learned.