River Rise: Carry Me Back Home - Chapter 4

The cool summer night blew into the window as I was driving back home. “I just couldn’t believe she’s gone” I thought to myself. I thought about what to do next like funeral arrangements, grave stones, but first things first I needed to call up the rest of my family. I arrive back at the apartment complex and pulled in my usually parking spot. I looked around to see if Rich’s car was there, but it was nowhere to be found. I’d check my phone to see if I had any missed calls, but I didn’t, not even a text message. “Fuck, where is he?” I thought as I walked up the flight of stairs to my apartment. I pulled out my keys, turned the knob and walked in. The apartment was dark and cool, and it looked exactly how I felt a mess. “You can really tell that two guys live here” I thought as I picked up the clothes, put the dishes in the dishwasher and vacuumed the place from end to end. While I was vacuuming in the living room I notice Grandma Mattie’s picture hanging on the wall. Tears immediately flowed from the confines of my spirit, out of my eyes and streamed themselves down my cheeks. I felled to my knees and cried out to God:

“Why have you deserted in my time of need God?”

“I’ve gone to church . . .

“I’ve said my prayers . . .”

“I’ve done nothing but good in your name”

“Why do I feel so alone!!!”

“It’s like . . . you don’t hear me”

“It’s like . . . you enjoy my pain”

“Why have allowed the enemy access to my life?”

“Tell me please, so I can understand”

Understand why you have taken my grandmother away”

Understand why you allowed me to be in a loveless relationship”

Understand why the people around me take, but never give”

“I’m on my last strand of faith God”

“I’m not sure how much more I can take”

“I thought you were a merciful God”

“Thought you would take care of me”

“Where are you!!!!!”

“Answer me dammit!!!!!!!!

“Where are you!!?”

“Please, just tell me why!!”

“I just need an answer”

……………………..

The tears began to subside as I release my anger. I’m sure Grandma Mattie wouldn’t be please with my behavior towards God. She would always say, “Do not question the man, who already knows and has the answers . . . God has your best interests at heart, so shut up and accept what God allows”. I got up off my knees with tear stained eyes and went to the kitchen for a glass of wine to sooth my sorrows. I’d pulled out a wine glass and went to the refrigerator to get the white wine. I pour a glass, lit a vanilla scented candle and turned on the radio.

I’d almost drop my glass when I heard one of Grandma Mattie’s favorite gospel songs “Accept What God Allows by Bishop Richard “Mr. Clean” White & Twinkie Clark. As I sat there and listen to the songs and drinking my wine, I couldn’t help but smile. For one moment I was at peace when the song ended. Guess who decided to show up.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home - Chapter 3

*Okay let’s go back a couple hours to 3:35am that Saturday morning.*

Yo, have you ever been so horny that you just couldn’t help yourself? I mean there are so many beautiful men and women out there, how can you not want to tap something. It’s something about catching that dude’s eye and getting him to do whatever I want him to do or getting that sexy ass female to kneel before me servicing me like the chocolate, 10in dick and 6’0”ft king I am. Yeah I know, I should just be single, but don’t judge me . . . I love my dude and I try to stay faithful; in fact, it’s different with him. I’m not just fucking Jacob I’m making love to him, but I do feel like I’m missing something out there. Come on now, don’t judge me . . . these hoes out here don’t mean a thing to me. It’s just fucking . . . and what my dude doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

I stood in one of the red lit rooms in the back of the club. The muffle beats of club music can be heard far off in the distance. I laid my back against the wall as the sounds of moans and groans grew louder in the next room. “Dam, who ever that is, is getting that shit” I thought to myself as the dude I was with unbuckled my pants. He was a young, naïve looking bruh, a stupid ass mother fucker, just another hoe willing to do any and everything just to get some dick. I knew I didn’t have much time before the club close so I told dude let’s get this shit on and popping. I couldn’t stand that I was cheating on Jacob, but my dick had to get a taste of this young, smooth, tight ass bruh. Guilt over took me as dude pulled my dick out from my boxers and placed it in his mouth. Sucking it at a slow pace at first, but picking up speed as my dick grew harder. It felt so good, but my guilt only grew stronger with every flick of his tongue on my dick.

I reached in my pockets and pulled out blunt I made earlier. I had to do something to taking my mind off of Jacob. When I lit the blunt and took a long hit, all of my morals and concerns about Jacob dulled out as the pleasure I was receiving intensify. I laid my head back as dude began to suck my dick harder and faster. I took another hit of the blunt. “Dam, nigga . . . go ahead and suck that shit” I said as I grab dude’s head and force my dick down his throat. I felt him start to resist me when the dick became too much for him to deep throat. Still I kept forcing him to take every inch of my dick. His struggles were turning me on, and as the spit drip down the sides of his mouth and along my shaft I let dude go.

He took a quick pause . . . “Dam yo, what the fuck” he said looking at me gasping for air.

“Shut the fuck up and get back to what you were doing” I said grabbing his head and forcing my dick down his throat with one hand and the blunt in the other. Dudes mouth was good as fuck as I tried to go balls deep in dude’s mouth.

I took another hit of the blunt. The shit had me horny than a motherfucker, the sounds of my dick in that warm mouth all I could think of was “I had to fuck”. I let go of dude and told him to get his ass up, pulled his pants down and get up against the wall. Just like a stupid motherfucker, he did what he was told. I strapped up (can never be too careful these days) and used my spit as lubrication. I let dude take a hit of the blunt so he can relax a bit before I fuck the shit out of his ass. I slowly slid my dick in side of him. Shit was tight as motherfucker but dude allowed me to go in. His ass was nice and wram and it warp around my dick just right. As I went deeper inside of him, the more I began to hate myself. I hate doing this to Jacob but I was a prisoner of the addiction, I was prisoner of my own sin, trapped by my own body. I pushed further inside of him making him moan louder. His ass felt, so good as he threw that ass back on my dick. I took the blunt back and took another hit. Surges of pleasure hit my dick as dude began to slide up and down on it.

The deeper it went inside of him, the more the hate grew. Not only I hated myself, but I hated him. “Stupid ass mother fucker” I thought as began to take control and slam my dick inside of him hard. “Shiiiit yo, you’re hurting me” dude said trying to stop me. I held both of his hands together against the wall and forced him to take it. Pounding his ass like there was no tomorrow. I couldn’t stand him; everything about dude began to disgust me. His moans, his body, and he control over me. I thought I was stronger than my addiction, but I was weak and I hated him for making me weak. With one last stroke of my dick in his ass I bust a phat nut inside of him. I kept my dick inside dude for awhile breathing hard on his back. I took another hit of the blunt . . . and slowly pulled my limp dick from him. I’d pulled the condom off, threw it in the trash, pulled and zipped my pants up, and then I headed out the door. I left dude there ass out. I didn’t even look at him. If I did I knew I would fuck his punk as up for making me weak.

As I headed back and proceeded my way out the club exit to meet up with my boys, I notice that Jacob had called and left a voicemail. I dialed 1 for voicemail ***(You have one unheard message, to play the message press one.) (Click) (First message) “Yo, what the fuck is really good man, sending me to voice mail and all. Its 4:30am where the hell you at!! Give me call when get this. I’m on my way to the hospital to see about my Grandma”. *** After I heard the message, I told my bois to go on without me and we can meet up later tonight. We dap and I got in my car and headed home. I was so fucking high I didn’t even realize what time Jacob said on his message. “Fuck!! I said as I looked at the clock on my car radio.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home - Chapter 2

“Jacob. . . Jacob!” said my mom running towards me.

“The doctor said she doesn’t have much time”

“What happen to her?” I said as I began to tear up.

“The doctor said she had a stroke and he’s expecting the worst”

Just then a middle age white man came out of my grandmother’s room.

“How is my grandmother doing doctor?”

“Please call me Dr. Murphy”.
“Your grandmother is stable right now, but I am certain she doesn’t have much longer”

“Why are you so certain?” I said

“The stroke caused a severed reduction in blood to the brain causing her brain to be deprived of oxygen”

“Can I see her?” I said as the thought of me losing my grandma became a reality.

“Yes, but just one person at a time”

“You go baby” my mom said.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself in there, seeing my mother in a hospital bed.”

“We’ll just stand out here and pray for Grandma Mattie” said my mom

I gave my mother a hug and proceed into the room. It was weird seeing her like this; lying in that hospital bed with a mask over her face. I couldn’t help but shed some more tears as I listen to the heart monitor beep to the rhythm of my grandma’s heart beat. I thought back to a past memory of me and my grandma. She was holding me in her arms when I was six, singing her favorite hymn.

Dream sequence

*Singing*

“Jesus, keep me near the cross,
There a precious fountain
Free to all, a healing stream
Flows from Calvary’s mountain.”

*Grandma Mattie sung the beautiful hymn*

“What is that you’re singing grandma?” I said as I looked up into her warm brown eyes.

“It’s an old hymn baby” said grandma humming the rest of the hymn.

“Why do you sing it?”

“Because it keeps me going baby”

“How does it keep you going grandma?”

“Because it reminds that all my troubles won’t last forever baby”

“I don’t understand?” I said making a confused face at my grandma

“You will baby” said grandma rubbing my cheek.

She went back to singing the old hymn. As my eyes began to close, I heard grandma say, “And when you do go through the hard times, never forget these two things; never forget who God is, and never forget who you are baby”.

*Singing* “In the cross, in the cross,
Be my glory ever;
Till my rapture soul shall find
Rest beyond the river.”

___________________________________

I held my grandma’s hand and began to sing her favorite hymn as the heart monitor beats got slower and slower.

“Near the cross I’ll watch and wait
Hoping, trusting ever,
Till I reach the golden strand,
Just beyond the river.”

As I sung the last word the heart monitor flat lined

“Nurse! Doctor! HELLPPP, PLEASSEE” I yelled as I held on to my grandma’s hand hoping that she will come back to me.

The Dr. Murphy rushed in, but he knew it was too late.

“Please help her doctor!”

“I’m sorry son, but there is nothing I can do”

“There has to be something, where’s the fucking crash cart, GO GET THE FUCKING CRASH CART!!!” I said as the pain rolled in my stomach

“I’m sorry but again there is nothing I can do” the doctor said as he clicked off the heart monitor.

Just then something clicked inside of me. My pain turned into anger and before I knew it I had attacked the doctor. I just kept hitting and hitting. I heard someone yell for security and when I realized what I have done; I was being escorted out of the hospital. I thought I was going to jail but the guard just told me to go home and don’t come back. As I reluctantly went back to the parking and got back in my car, I felt the pain of loss filled my insides. I just laid my head on the steering wheel and cried.

River Rise: Carry Me Back Home

“Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve somehow lost yourself along the way in this lifestyle?” Whether you’ve felt this way or not, there’s going to come a time when you have to ask yourself the age old question, “Who Am I?” “Am I Black?” or “Am I African American?”, “Am I Bi?” or “Am I Gay?”, “Am I Masculine?” or “Am I In-between?” “Am I Top or Bottom” or maybe your neither of those things and your just simply you. Any ways your time will come but for now just hear me out.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Jacob S. Peterson Jr. I am 27 years old and I am currently in a law program at UNC at Charlotte in North Carolina. I am enjoying and hating every bit of it lol. I also work at Davis & McCoy Law Firm here in Charlotte as a paralegal under Mr. Anthony R. Davis. I have a good life, a man who has my heart, and a wonderful job. What more can I ask for? Even though life seems good, I have this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that my good life is going to change for the worst. I just didn’t that it would all start with a phone call.

(Ring, Ring)

The house phone rang.

“Who the fuck is calling at 3 am”, I thought to myself as I looked sleepily at the clock.

(Ring, Ring)

I scrambled out of bed to pick up the phone.

“Hello”

“Jacob!” said my mom breathing hard and crying

“What’s wrong mom?” I said in a scared concern tone.

“It’s Mama Mattie”

“What about grandma?” I said as my fear increased

“They rushed . . .

Her to the hospital . . .

. . . It doesn’t look to good Jacob” said my mom trying to keep from
crying.

“Calm down Mom, okay. I said in a calming voice

Where are they taking her?” I said.

“To Presbyterian hospital on Hawthorne Lane”

“Okay, I will be right there!”

“Alright baby, and please hurry!” said my mom fearing the worst.

I hung up the phone up, and threw on some sweats, a wife beater, some
sneakers and a jacket. As I grabbed the keys to my car I noticed that Rich wasn’t home. I paused for a moment . . . but quickly pushed the thought of Rich whereabouts out of my head. I had to get to the hospital and see what is up with Grandma Mattie.

On the way to the hospital my mind flashed between Grandma Mattie and Rich. “Where the hell he could be?” I thought as I pulled out my cell phone to call him. I can hear Grandma Mattie’s voice now as I search for Rich’s number.

“Baby, that tech stuff is no good; when was the last time you dial a number? I swear for God, people just don’t know how to communicate anymore”. I thought smiling to myself as Rich’s phone rang.

(Ring, Ring . . .Yo, you’ve reached Rich leave a message after the beep)

“Yo, what the fuck is really good man, sending me to voice mail and all. Its 4:30am where the hell you at!! Give me call when get this. I’m on my way to the hospital to see about my Grandma”.

A couple mins later I’ve arrived at the hospital. I parked in the parking lot of the ER and ran to the front desk.

“Excuse me miss, I’m looking for Ms. Mattie C. Peterson’s Room” I said not sure what to think about my grandmother’s health.

“Yes sir she is located in room 306” said the young petite nurse.

“Thank you”

I rushed down the hall, down to the nearest elevator. When I got to the third floor, I saw my mother, father, and sister, all standing in the hall sobbing.

“Was I too late?”

Untitled 3

"Hurt by the past

Its pain projected into the future.

Afraid to face the present,

Afraid to face his love,

This is my tragic inevitability."

When He Loves Another, and Doesn't See You

I'm sure most of you have been attracted, and had develop some type of feelings for a man that loves another. Me & this dude met a while back, and it was nice speaking to someone who has the same taste of music as me, and it is very rare that I would connect with someone on a mental level. Everything was going fine until he told me that his ex had contacted him via a text message. He reveal to me that he was still in love with his ex. I must admit I was a little taken aback when he told me this. In my mind I wondered how can I compete with a person who clearly has his heart. Should I stay, Should I go? These thoughts ran through my head.

He asked me what he should do? There was much compassion, and love in his voice when he said this. It was almost as if he wanted me to give him permission to something he knew he had to do, and that was to tell his ex how he truly felt. So I set my bruised ego aside, and told him that he should tell his ex how he felt. Long story short the ex never responded, and again I felt like I had a chance.

Maybe a week had past, and as my feelings for him grew a little deeper because I finally went to visit him. It was a nice visited, and I understood that my feelings for him were just that feelings, but they were on the pathway of falling in love with him some day. Still he didn't know how I felt, and that my feelings were starting this journey to love.

As my feelings deepen with every phone conversation we had, out of the blue the ex finally contacts him via a phone call. My feelings were hurt because I knew I was about to miss out. When he told me this over the phone. My emotions got the best of me, and I told him how I felt (That was my bruised ego talking) I started thinking as I was telling him how I felt, "Was it fair for me to do this to him?", and it wasn't. I made a decision, and asked him one question, "Does your ex make you happy?", and his answer was, "yes". Then I told him, "That he owe it to himself to see where him, and his ex could go". I told him,"That I rather have him as a friend than to not have him at all in my life because I truly cared about him" (Now that was the real love within me talking).

Don't get me wrong it hurt, but real love itself isn't jealous of another. Real love doesn't restrict another's happiness because you had feelings for a person as if you had some claim to them.

"Real love gives freedom, and Real love is freedom"` Osho

I hope it does work for him because I do want him to be happy. Maybe I was meant to be just a friend. Who knows . . . anyways I learned that you need to set aside your ego, so you can see that if you truly like/love someone, and truly want them to be happy you should step aside and let them have their happiness. That is what real love would do for a person you truly care about.

. . . . . . . . .Lesson Learned.

Sexual Frustrations Series: ATop'sDesire

It was about 3 a.m. in the morning and my dick was on rock. I don’t know what is about the early morning but I am always horny at this time. I decided to log on BGC and check my messages. Soon as I log in I hear that dam *Bing* sound. “I really need to turn that shit off”, I thought to myself. I look over my messages and it’s the usual fucking one worded messages. I really can’t stand that shit. I mean if all you got to say is “sup” then don’t say shit at all. My dick started throbbing with pain as I began to browse profiles of dudes with half naked pictures up. I needed some ass and I need some now. I was about to log off and jack my dick to some X-tube videos when I heard that dam *Bing* sound again. I clicked the ‘messages’ button and saw the screen name “AtopsDesire”. Dam, this made my dick jump up in excitement and that sexy ass pic he had up wasn’t helping either.

The message read:

Hey, what up bruh? I read ur profile n saw dat u hated 1 worded messages so I decided 2 write a lil more. LOL Im jus goin 2 be str8 up with you. I’m horny as fuc N I need sum dick. Hit me bac if ur down.

Dam, shawty was straight to the point. Which I had to give him props on. Well, before I reply back to anyone I always check out the stats first. According to his profile he was about 5’6”, 145lbs very tone but not to muscular. I went to read his profile just to make sure there weren’t any red flags like hostility, or desperation. Some niggaz like to bash other niggas, talking about “niggaz aint shit”, or “dis profile will be deleted in a couple of days”. Knowing good and well those couple of days were months ago.

I went to view his pictures which he had unlocked for a bruh. Shawty was on point. He had a cute face with sum big ass lips. The pics of his body were nice, but that ass was phat as hell. “How can such a small guy have an azz like that?” I thought to myself. My dick was throbbing and I had to reply back to this nigga. He instantly hit me back with directions to his crib, which I thought was a lil suspect. I could have been some killa or something and here was this lil dude giving out his information like that. Shawty told me to hit him up on his cell when I was on my way.

Shit it was about 4 a.m. now and my shit was still on rock and I couldn’t think straight; I was down for a quick fuc. I got cleaned up, got the lube, grab a couple golden tickets and head over to Shawty’s place. While I was in the car, I gave Shawty a called and as soon as I heard his voice it had my shit at attention. I told him that I was on my way and for him to get ready and shit. I told Shawty that I don’t mess with a dirty azz and he was like coo and told me to be ready for the best experience of my life. I hung up the phone thinking about my shit digging up in the tight hole of his and watching him ride my shit.

I was pulling up into the drive way when I saw Shawty opening the door. The pics didn’t do him justice. He was fine as hell. We gave each up dap and he lead me to his bedroom. When I open the door there were two other guys there just as fine as Shawty was. My dick stood at attention at the sight of the two other guys lying in the bed butt ass naked and fingering themselves. “Dam was I in a dream or what,” I thought to myself as Shawty pulled me towards the bed.

All three of them began undressing me, pulling my shirt off revealing my tight abs, pulling my timbs and socks off, unbuckling my pants and pulling them shits down and eventually pulling my boxers off letting my monster dick free from its cage. Shawty got undress and asked me if I like to eat ass. I told him fuck yeah. So he got up and lowered his ass on my face, while the other two suck my dick. My tongue swirled around his tight hole and as I slowly began to penetrate him with my tongue; I could feel my dick being shared between the two other guys. As one guy sucked my dick, the other guy was servicing my balls and vice versa. Shawty was on my face and moaning as my tongue went in and out of his ass. I told Shawty to go ahead and get some dick. So he bends down and takes all of me inside his mouth. Dam I couldn’t even concentrate on his ass any more. That shit was hot, Shawty deep throatin my shit as the other two had one of my balls in their mouths. Shit was feeling good. I told Shawty to get up so I can get a better look at the three of them sucking my shit. It was a beautiful sight having my dick being devoured by three hungry bottoms. I love the way Shawty sucked my dick nice and slow, then fast and hard in the other dude’s mouth and then wet and sloppy with a whole lot of tongue action in the third dude’s mouth. Shit, I was beginning to feel my nut coming so I stop them so I can show them my skills.

Shawty was first to get the dick, I slid the condom on my dick, and lubed his ass up and slowly slid my 10in dick in him missionary style. I told Shawty to eat his friend’s ass and get that shit wet. The third one got between my legs and started sucking my balls as I dug up in Shawty. Once I got my rhythm going, I pounded Shawty like there was no tomorrow. I love the way his ass felt on my dick and the way he squeezes my shit was pure bliss. Dude underneath me had my balls dripping wet when I pounded the shit out of Shawty. A few more pumps and I was ready for the next dude.

I took off the condom off and put a fresh one. Good thing I brought a few golden tickets with me. I told dude that was getting his ass ate by Shawty to ride my shit. I lay back on the bed and felt dude slide down on my shit. Dam, his ass was even tighter than Shawty’s. He rode me like a cow boy, sliding up and down on my shit. Shawty and the other dude were servicing my balls nicely. Shit felt so good hearing dude moan on my dick and the sounds of my balls being sucked at the same time. I began thrusting my dick up into dude’s ass hitting that spot. He began moaning even louder and as I hit that spot for the last time he nutted a phat load all over my chest. He shot everywhere; shit almost hit me in the face.

I told the third dude to get on all fours, as I took the second condom off and put another one on. I was going to hit that shit doggy style. He told me he didn’t like that position and I told him that he hadn’t had had me hit that shit yet. I told Shawty to suck his dick and I told other dude who had just nutted to get between my legs and suck my balls. As I slid my shit up into dude doggy style he tries to resist me by pushing me out and arching his back like a cat. I told him to relax and take my shit. Once I started hitting that spot and relaxed he started to throw that shit back on me. My dick getting fucked my some ass and my balls being serviced was a great feeling. I told dude who was throwing that shit back to get that nut. He started to throw that shit back faster and harder and before you knew it he busted a nut in Shawty’s mouth. I told Shawty to keep sucking that shit till he gets every last drop.

It was Shawty’s turn again, I told Shawty to get ready for me as I took the third condom off and put on a fourth. I got Shawty and the missionary position again because I loved the way he looked when I fuck his shit. In I went while one dude suck on Shawty’s dick and the other began kissing Shawty. “Dam that was hot as hell” I thought to myself. I began digging deeper into Shawty’s ass as the other dude started to deep throat Shawty’s dick. I pounded Shawty’s ass harder and harder. He began to moan louder and louder as he felt his nut coming. I quicken my pace to the rhythm of dude’s sucking motion and in an instant Shawty busted a phat nut down his friend’s throat.

I pulled out and started to jack my shit. All three of them got underneath my dick with their mouths wide open in anticipation of my nut. I stroke my dick harder and faster till I felt my nut coming. I looked them each in the eye and told them here it comes. My nut shot all over the place each of them getting a taste of me. I shot nut after nut and gave Shawty the last drop. . . .

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . the alarm clock flash 7:00a.m. When I got up my boxer was drench in my nut. Dam, I should have known that shit like that happens only in the porno or in your dreams. Fuck, back to reality.