"The Letter"

I love it when a song can inspire me to write. The song playing in the background is Joss Stone's "Girlfriend on Demand". This is a fictional "Dear John" letter, but was composed with some of my own experiences in mind. Enjoy

Dear John,

By the time you read this I'll be long gone, on my way from here. I'm glad my friend gave you this letter for me, I know you was confused to see him at my apartment instead of me. Anyways, I never thought I would ever write a letter such as this, but in order to get what I need to say out. It’s best for the both of us that I write it out. It’s been two years since we’ve been together and in those two years we had our ups and we had our downs. I remember when I first saw you across the street. After we exchanged glances I couldn’t believe how bold you were when you struck up a conversation with me and later ask me for my number. Do you remember how we would stay up all night, just talking about anything. I cherish those nights when we were on the phone and you felled asleep in the middle of our conversation LOL. Did you know that I’ve once laid in the bed and listened to sound of you breathing before I hung up? In that moment I’ve realized I was starting to fall in love with you. I remember when I accidentally let those three little words slip one night and you look at me, smile and gave me the biggest, most passionate kiss and told me you love me as well. At first things were cool. You would come over on some nights and we would watch movies, talk and kiss; then some how we would end up in my bed, making love till the sun came up. It wasn’t the sex that made me happy, I was happy just being in your arms, just being in love and finally having it reciprocated. Then something changed. Our phone calls became text messages and when I would call you never picked up. You would just text me back some excuse of how you couldn’t talk to me follow by the words “I luv U”. Your time with me became short and brief and when I would get emotional about somethings that was going in my life, you would get angry and tell me to just man up. I thought I could come to you for support but I guess I was wrong. Our love making became meaningless sex where I felt you were out to pleasure yourself instead of making it enjoyable for me as well. Was I was just a late night sex buddy to you? It didn’t even occurred to me that you hardly ever took me out, and if we did go out it was places where people would never be able to recognize you. I just couldn’t understand why. And when I confronted you about it; you would say that you're a private person and then follow up with some sweet gesture that would reassure me that I was something more and I just accepted it, couldn’t even stay mad at you for long. What can I say, I was in love with you and I just knew without a doubt you felt the same way. Even when those three little words disappeared from your vocabulary. I just thought, “its all in his actions”. But soon your actions didn’t measured up either. To your family and friends I was “just a friend” and you even introduce me as your cousin to your “ex-girlfriend” once, when we saw her in the store. Did you know how much that hurt, and how embarrassing It was for me to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I doubt that you did. Yet, still I stuck around, hoping and praying that you would be the man I knew you could be. I should have known that when a man can’t speak of his love for you, then it means the love he has for you isn't in his heart anymore. It wasn’t until I saw you holding hands with a young lady in a restaurant when I was out with one of friends and a little boy by your side who looks a lot like you. At first I thought maybe it was just a family member or a really good friend, but then the little boy said, "kiss mommy, daddy" and you leaned over and gave her the passionate kiss I once felt. And in that moment all of my questions were answered. So here I am writing you this letter, my goodbye. I should be angry at you, don’t get me wrong I did a lot of thinking and crying over about what I should do, Wondering if I should confront you or not. When you texted me today asking if we can meet up just after a couple of days I saw you with her. I was even considering to be “that guy on the side” because of this slither of love I still have for you, but you know as well as I do, there is no fun in being in love all by yourself. Besides your son and girlfriend needs you more than I do and it's obvious you need them too.

Signed. . .
Your Once Boyfriend on Demand

Lyric

Sexual Frustrations

"Well It has truly been a while, well the title of this short story is pretty self-explanatory LOL. One thing I try to do with this story is make so that any one who loves a delicious black man can insert themselves into the story, by not revealing the sex of the teller of the story" Hope you enjoy . . .

I imagine him in a dark room lit by the vanilla scented candles he lay out for me. I smile a gleaming smile as I walked into our bedroom after taking a hot bath that he drew for me earlier when I got home for work. As a wave of vanilla caresses my senses, I couldn’t wait to see what else he had in store for me. He handed me a glass of wine and as I took a couple of sips I couldn’t help but think how the light of the candles made his shirtless body even more irresistible than it already was detailing every muscle perfectly. Especially the "V" that form at the bottom of his stomach, beckoning me to reveal what was underneath his black satin pajama pants that outlined his semi-hard dick. He let out a soft laugh as he watches my eyes take in his beauty and said, “you’re the beautiful one” in his smooth baritone voice. My eyes immediately shifted to his chestnut brown eyes, at the shock of him knowing what I was thinking. He flashes that smile that always made me weak in the knees. He then motions me to sit on the bed with him as we toast to our love. Setting his drink on the bed stand after taking a couple of sips, he looks me deep in my eyes as if he was trying to see into my soul. And in an instant we kiss.

His lips were so soft and as his tongue search for mine I hunger for more of his sweet taste. Pleasure pulsates throughout my body as his tongue slowly slips from my mouth to my neck. He then lays me down and kisses my body by planting soft gentle kisses that turns me on even more. The touch of his hands and lips simultaneously touching my body sends me into pure ecstasy. Moaning softly with every kiss, I then felt his tongue enter me. Gripping the sheets with every thrust of his tongue, my moans became louder and louder as he held my body down to keep me from moving away. “Ahhh,” was all I can say as his tongue swirled inside of me. After a half and hour of being inside of me, he pulled out. I was exhausted with pleasure but still my body wanted more . . .

more of him.

I watch him as he pulled off his silk pajama pants revealing what I have been waiting for. As I sat up in the bed I couldn’t help but admired the perfect length/width of his dick. My mouth began to water as his dick began to throb, eagerly wanting to find its refuge in my mouth. I took his dick into my hand and began to let it slowly slip into my eager mouth. Tasting his sweetness as my tongue swirled around the head and then down his shaft. I could tell by his moans that he was enjoying it as much as I was. With every stroke of my tongue, I could feel his heart pulsating faster and faster. I decided that I will try something new and see how he reacts. I then laid him down on the bed with his dick still in my mouth. And as I went up and down on his dick, sucking it like lollipop; I started to vibrate my tongue along his shaft to the tip of his dick. ”Aww, shit baby!” was all he could muster as his toes curled and his eyes closed shut trying to force his nut back. I decided that enough was enough; I had to have him inside of me . . .

He slowly enters me cautiously, trying not to hurt me. I moan as I felt my insides begin to stretch and warp tightly around his dick. Inch by inch he filled me up to full capacity. He tells me to put my legs around his neck as he slowly goes in and out of me. He knew I would try to run but the missionary position he had me in kept me from moving at all. I was his to have and his to take. He looked deeply in my eyes and tells me to relax as he felt me tighten up. I obey his command. The pain soon subsides then pure pleasure overtook me. The more he thrust deep inside the more I wanted him to go even deeper. Noticing my moans of pleasures he thrusts his dick deeper and faster inside of me. Taking my body, mind and soul to places it never has been before. An insatiable hunger was building up in me. My hands grip the sheets anticipating the orgasmic pleasure he was about to cause, but he stops and tells me not yet. “I want this to last forever,” he whispers as he pulls out of me and lies on the bed motioning for me to ride him. I slowly slid down on his dick as my body felt empty with out him inside of me. Up and down I went on his dick. I love the control I had over him as I tighten my insides around his dick when I went down, and slowly releasing him as I went up. I move with fervor as I heard his moans grew louder. I couldn’t control myself anymore . . . I had to have his nut. I quicken my motions as I slid up and down on his dick. I could feel his body tense up underneath me as I tighten up even harder. In between his heavy breathing he tires to muster up the words “stop” but couldn’t. He and I knew that it was only a matter of time. As I rode his dick faster and harder I felt that I was about to orgasm too. His heavy breathing and my moans turn each of us on even more. And as I went down on his dick for the last time and I felt both of our orgasms coming on

I . . . I . . . I . . . I . . .










Woke up . . . “Dam!” . . .






Was all I could think of.

Feelings (A Letter to Love) (revised)

"When I find you again,
I’m a love you the best way I can.
I can’t promise you much,
But what I can promise is,
That I will give you all of me this time.


Wounded spirit,
I yearn,
To feel you,
To touch you,
To truly be with you,
In Mind,
In Body,
In Soul,

And,
In,

Love,

You have been there all along,
Even when I chose not to,
Acknowledge your existence.

I took you for granted.
I lost you,
Once before,
And I lost you once again.


I cried myself to sleep,
To the song we made Love to.
Awoke with fresh tears on my pillow.
Because I dreamed about having you apart of me once again.

To be in your presence once again,
To taste your sweetness once again,
Even if it is just for a second
Or another life time

To be in Love with you Love
once again…."

Mental Slavery: Letting Go of the Labels . . .

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a situation, material things, or a person. Why is that? I've been reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and he talks about how we define ourselves by things we associate ourselves with, believing that without this associating relationship with things, or people we'll lose our identity. I thought about this and I started to think on all the things that bound me some how. I thought about my religion and how I put God in a box. Michale Eric Dyson say it the best. Mr. Dyson said, "When we close our bibles doesn't mean that God stops speaking". Not his exact words but pretty close. I also thought about my sexuality and how my usage of labels created for me a box, which allowed me to operate only in the confines of its boundaries. I remember speaking to this one man who claim that being gay was not who he was but something that he does. We debated on the subject and in conclusion we agreed to disagree. Now when I look back, he was just saying that "I don't identify with gay, it's not who I am". There are so many labels I give myself and unknowingly live within the boundaries of these labels. Now there was a time in my life where I wanted nothing to do with anything gay, my reasoning was that (All gay men isn't capable of love).

Hey, I was young at the time LOL.

Anyways, with that reasoning in my "young" mind, I decided to remove myself from the gay lifestyle. So I started to drop gay men that obviously wasn't going anywhere in there lives. Basically going through my phone book on my cell deleting numbers. To make a long story short, I started to get bored, then I felt empty inside and then lonely. I couldn't let the lifestyle go because the lifestyle had become who I was. How often we find ourselves trapped in the confines of labels that we or other people give to us. Gay, Straight, Bi, Black, White, Asian, Racist, Sexy, Top, Bottom, Versatile, Man, Woman, Christian, Muslim, Low Class, High Class, Middle Class, Classy, Hoe and so many more. What happens to a person who dis-identifies with labels and release the chains of a mental slavery . . . I wonder is that what true freedom is like . . . free to just be me . . .

Just As I Am: E. Lynn Harris

" 'You know I love you . . . that I believe in you. You know what's in my heart. I'm sorry I was hiding. I was hurting. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to let the people who claim they represent you take away my faith. I won't let them do that. They can't have my faith. But can't there be joy in faith, joy in love. I know you love me. I know that one day I'll have love right here,' Sean said as he punched his fist toward his heart. 'I love you, Lord, and I know you love me. If I have to be alone here on earth, then please don't let me be lonely. Show me the way and I will follow. I won't hide anymore. And when it hurts, I'll know that you're there, ready to soothe me, when soothing is what I need. Thank you, Lord and tell everybody, hey. All my friends. Tell Zach hi and for him to give Zurich a clue. Okay . . . I love you. I believe in you and I will talk to you again real soon. Peace out, God!'"

"Tears began to roll down Sean's face, and the cool wind dried them. Talking to God made Sean feel strong, sure of himself. He took a deep breath of the cool air, and suddenly, he knew who he was and what he wanted. He felt cleansed by his talk and wind seemed to vitalize him with a surge of hope. He had the feeling of satisfaction that came from making a positive step in life, a big step. Sean blew a kiss toward the sky and moon and went back to his apartment and slept."

Source: "And This Too Shall Pass" (pg. 335-336)

When I had heard of E. Lynn Harris' death, I didn't even know what to think. I was doing my usually "boredashell" web surfing and I caught a glimpse of a news headline that said E. Lynn Harris had died. When I found the website, I thought, "What in the world is going on". It seems like all the good ones are being taken away from us and too soon at that. Then I thought back to my favorite E. Lynn Harris' book "And This Too Shall Pass". I remember reading this book when I was living in Houston, Texas a couple of years ago. I was working as an intern then for an HBCU. Anyways I was in the medical Library and as I was reading the passage above. I couldn't help but shed some tears. Books made me laugh, made me angry but I have never read a book that made me cry nor made me feel that my sexuality wasn't something ugly but a treasure to be cherished. Like I said in a comment on a fellow blogger's blog. "For me he (E. Lynn Harris) bridged the gap between me, being gay and my relationship with the Lord". I'm going to miss you E. Lynn Harris. And I thank you for breathing life into a sexuality that seem to be looked upon as something dirty and transforming it into something beautiful.

Jaspects: "Making Music Mean Something to the World at-Large"

These days it seems that the music that is out today seems to be losing its meaning. Mainstream music has become nothing but hot beats and catchy phrases to go a long with it. My friend and I were talking about this and he gave me a link to Al Sharpton talking about how music should be up-lifting and that....well I let you view the link lol. But I digress...

Without further ado, I would like to present...

Jaspects...A group that has something to say to an up-lifting beat.

I first heard of Jaspects while I was in college and felled in love with them when I first heard "My First Love feat. Janelle Monae" (I'm sure most of you have heard of her) Unlike Ms. Janelle Monae very few people have ever heard of the group Jaspects. This group has successfully blended Jazz music with that of R&B, and Hip-hop. The vibe of this group is addicting. I find myself relaxing to their infectious beat (The music that is playing in the background is Fallin' by Jaspects from there new Album "The Polkadotted Stripe" which came out in April of this year. Another song that I happen to love from "The Polkadotted Stripe" album has to be "Find My Way to Love feat. Chantae Cann" (I love her voice on this track) which makes me feel some type of way.

Here is some background information I found that I think you may find interesting.

"Born during the hip-hop movement, Jaspects integrates their youthful skill to progress music and build a bridge between musical genres. Formally trained alumni of Morehouse College’s music department, Jaspects’ goal is to produce an exhaustive musical experience that involves TRUE freedom of expression via musical and lyrical creativity.

Jaspects’ latest album The Polkadotted Stripe embodies Jaspects’ thesis as it interrogates the idea of musical, social, and political freedom. The concept of the group’s fourth effort procures from the world of fashion. Delving deep into research, Jaspects learned that the fashion truth bastardizing the marriage of polka dots and stripes is man-made. Therefore, Jaspects’ The Polkadotted Stripe inquires: “What is truth?” Upon much discussion and studying, Jaspects recognized that in most instances reality is well, relative. With that in mind, The Polkadotted Stripe defined is someone or something that debunks the notion of social standards.

Jaspects works to rescue the concept of musicianship while breaking down the structural constraints of hip-hop. The band promotes the idea that the culture of hip-hop can support an entity that focuses on musical depth without ostracizing the mainstream fan of the genre. Jaspects uses music as a change agent in ways pioneers such as Public Enemy, Erykah Badu, and Marvin Gaye have. The message conveyed by Jaspects remains consistent, "make your music mean something to the world at-large."

The collective operates out of Atlanta and consists of T. Brown (Memphis, TN), Jon-Christopher Sowells (Dallas), drummer Henry “HC3” Conerway, III (Detroit), Dwayne “Spacey” Dugger (Queens, NY), Stagolee (Aniston, AL), and King James (Stamford, CT). In addition to PDS, Jaspects has released three other independent albums: In ‘House’ Sessions (2005), Broadcasting the Definition (2006), and Double Consciousness (2007).

Individually, Jaspects’ works have appeared in the 2005 major motion picture “Hustle & Flow,” on Chamillionaire’s platinum albums “Chamillitary” and “Sound of Revenge,” on Carlos Santana’s “All That I Am,” and with platinum recording artists David Banner, Wyclef Jean, Big Boi (“Kryptonite”), and Mary J. Blige (“Just Fine”). Collectively, Jaspects has shared bills with: Dwele, Bilal, Mike Phillips, Herbie Hancock, Eric Roberson, Stevie Wonder, Brian McKnight, and rap phoneme Drake. Jaspects has also collaborated with Grammy-nominated artists Janelle Monae, PJ Morton and Anthony David, in addition to Kedar Entertainment act Algebra, and Good Music’s Fonzworth Bentley."

Source: http://www.myspace.com/jaspects

Now before you go, I just have one more thing to show you ;0)

Jaspects presents: Unifunk from Jaspects Music on Vimeo.

Ambiguous

Hard to explain,
Try to keep quiet.
Hard to comprehend,
Try not to understand it.

Assured yet doubtful,
Benevolent, yet cruel,
Simple yet convoluted,
Is this feeling I have for you…