"There have been plenty of times in college where I woke up in the middle of the night with a heavy heart. Feeling lost, confused and lonely and at the time all I had was GOD, myself and my music for encouragement. So this is a little story of mine, just me talking with God and telling a story. Enjoy..."
I’m sitting here writing this not only for me but to who ever is reading this, maybe someone will get encouragement out of this. Sometimes in the middle of the night I awake with a pain deep in my heart, it brings tears to my eyes as I ponder on why I am here? What is my purpose? It seems that I take two steps forward and I always being pushed not only three steps back but all the way to the starting line. My dreams aren’t being realized, love seems like it don’t even want to be bother with me. And sometimes GOD, I just feel like you have given up on me.
Why is it I’m the one helping others but when I need help no one is there for me, Why is it that I give love but when I need love no one is there for me! I give myself to others and when I need to rely on them I’m the one that gets left outside in the cold. I carry the problems of others, while ignoring my own. I try to be the best person you taught me to be. But it seems like the more I do good the worst my situation gets.....
Can’t you see my tears Lord!, can’t you hear me crying to you!, can’t you feel my pain? I’m trying Lord!, I am trying my best!
I...I...I thank you for the good times I had but I can’t even enjoy my good times because I’m worrying how long it will last because my good times are short lived. Will I ever be happy, will I ever smile again, will I ever stop crying and waking up with this heavy burden on my heart. I love you GOD but sometimes I just don’t know about your plans. Sometimes I wish you can just give me a glimpse of my wonderful future that I hear people telling me, you have for me. Just a glimpse, so that I can keep on going, keep moving forward, so that I can rest in knowing that all of these problems, friends walking out, family not being supportive, feelings of loneliness, knowing that I am not going through this storm in vain. I’m sorry to question you like this but sometimes it hurts so much that I have to to ask you GOD, “is this really necessary?”
And with a quickness, in the late hour, a voice that was soothing to my soul said to me, “Just be still, I’m working on it”.
And in a instant I felled right asleep and though my pillows were wet, I slept so peaceful. When the morning came that same soothing voice said to me before I could raise my head up, “All things work together for the Good of them”. "Since, you've questioned me, I just have one question for you". “Do you Love Me?”
Yes, was my answer...
I smiled a wonderful smile, joy came that morning. And though my situation is still the same, I now have a new perspective...
Because in the end I know that it will workout for (you say it it)!
Romans 8:28 & Psalms 73: For The Good of Them
Maybe Tomorrow: A Tribute to Michael Jackson (1958-2009)
This has truly been a sad day, now I am not the one to get teary eyed over a singer's death, but I'm not even going to lie. Being awoke out of my nap by my mother calling to tell me Michael had passed made me feel some type way, I must admit I didn't even think it was real at first. Until I saw CNN, FOX, and hearing it all on over the radio, I was just in utter shock as I know most of you were. It's reminds you that life can be taken away from anyone in a instant. Hearing Michael's - Stranger In Moscow, brought tears to my eyes and I just started reminiscing on the times I use to dance in front of that TV to Michael's videos, how I use to play "Thriller" countless times, closed my eyes as I listen to Maybe Tomorrow and gotten the chills off of Man in the Mirror. Michael Jackson you will always be dear to my heart and he will forever live on in his music.
Here are some of my favorite songs from Michael Jackson that made me smile, cry, and dance. He would want us to remember all the good things about him. Rest In Peace Michael Jackson you will be Missed.
Get Your Own Free Hypster.com Playlist.
Eventually Everything Comes to the Light Pt. 2
The Characters
Donavon – Main Character
Jersey – Donavon’s boyfriend
B (Real Name –Brian) – Jersey’s Paramour
The Argument:
As I walked through the kitchen, through the living room and back up the stairs, by anger grew. The thoughts of Jersey making love to another man were too much for me to bear. My tears came pouring out as I walked into our bedroom and told Jersey to get his ass up. “What’s up baby?” said Jersey with a confused look on his face. “Jersey, I have to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me, okay?” “Babe, can’t this wait, I got to get up in a few”. “No, this can’t wait!” yelled Donavon. “Babe, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Just then Donavon walks over towards the bed and picks up Jersey’s pants and pulls out Jersey's cell phone. “Who the fuck is B, Jersey?” said Donavon showing Jersey the text message. “Yo, what the fuck you doing reading my text messages?” said Jersey, sitting himself up in the bed. “Man, don’t try and turn this shit on me bruh, who the fuck is B?” “B is just a dude I met at the club.” “We dance and that was that!” said Jersey grabbing his cell phone out of Donavon’s hand. “See, this is what I’m talking about” “What you mean?” said Donavon. “I can’t stand when you get jealous; you act like a straight bitch.” “Getting upset over some text message” said Jersey in a nasty tone. “I’m not jealous…” “Fine okay I just think it’s suspicious that some dude you may have dance with or flirted with in the club is sending you a text message like this” “Did you even tell him you had a boyfriend?” said Donavon breathing kind of hard. “No, I didn’t”, said Jersey in a harsh tone. “Look babe nothing didn’t even happen, I don’t even no why you are tripping off of this”. “I feel as though you had been drifting away from me Jersey, it’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore”. “You work, go to the clubs and…” said Donavon being cut off by Jersey. “I don’t want hear this bitchiness okay!” “You’re a man so fucking act like it” said Jersey lying back down in the bed. “I’m going back to sleep, I don’t want to hear nothing more of this fucking drama, end of the fucking discussion!” said Jersey rolling over on his side.
So What the Fuck Really Had Happen at the Club?
Jersey and Donavon didn’t speak much that morning. An eerie feeling was being felt as the two walked passed each throughout the house. As Donavon wondered what Jersey could have been hiding, Jersey was relieved that he dodged a huge bullet early this morning.
See, this is what really had happen….
Jersey and his boys saw B dancing on dance floor at the club and Jersey decided to flirt a bit and dance with B in spite of his boys telling that isn’t a good idea, but Jersey went over any way. Jersey found B to not only be sexy and masculine but very intelligent. Qualities that Donavon obviously had but B had something else. He was spontaneous and sexually adventurous. Before he knew it, Jersey found him self turned on by the sexual moves B put on him on the dance floor. Donavon was more of a classy type of guy and would have never done some of the moves B was doing. This is the reason why Jersey never asked Donavon to the club, because the truth is, Donavon was no fun. As B rub his firm ass against Jersey’s now hard dick, Jersey knew in an instant that B had some type of move up his sleeve but what came next was unexpected.
As B grind even harder against Jersey’s dick, B turn to face Jersey and slid down Jersey’s body and started to unzip his pants and pulled Jersey’s dick out. Before Jersey could have stopped him, Jersey’s 9in dick was down B’s throat right on the dance floor. Jersey couldn’t resist the warmth of B’s mouth as B slurp and sucked his dick with a passion. Jersey looked up and closed his eyes and started to moan. Dudes in the club surrounded them and watch as B gave Jersey the best head he ever had. With the added quality of being watch and B’s warm mouth, Jersey felt his orgasm, he tried to pull out of B’s mouth but B wouldn’t let go of his dick. In a couple minutes Jersey had nutted down B’s mouth. And B being the pro dick sucker he was drank all of Jersey’s nut. Although Jersey had nutted, B kept on sucking and had Jersey’s body jerking with pulsating pleasure as his dick became extra sensitive. But the more B sucked, Jersey felt his dick get hard once again and in a few seconds Jersey had nutted once more.
Dudes in the club look on in amazement at B’s oral skills as Me'shell Ndegeocello’s - Soul Searching was now playing in the background. B then got up and took Jersey to the back of the club. That night Jersey fucked B with a passion, at least three times. Indeed sex with B was way better than with Donavon and Jersey needed the release. They exchange numbers and Jersey said “I will text you later tonight” “Okay man, make sure you do; I’ll be waiting”, said B grabbing Jersey’s crotch and licking his lips. Jersey just smiled as he left to go back to where his boys were sitting. Later that night Jersey did some more drinking and some club hopping with his boys.
Coming home drunk to Donavon sleeping in the bed, Jersey couldn’t help but think of B as he pull off his clothes and got into bed. As Jersey drifted of to sleep he knew one thing; he was definitely coming back for some of B’s tight ass.
But little did Jersey know that B already knew who he was, who Donavon was, and that the two were in a relationship. In fact B is Donavon’s co-worker. And now B who had a crush on Jersey for the longest had tasted Jersey’s sweet nectar and now was determine to make Jersey his by any means necessary.
“That bitch Donavon doesn’t deserve a man like Jersey”, B thought as he looked at the piece of paper in his hand with Jersey’s cell number as he waited for Jersey to text him. Of course no text was received so B, knowing full well that it’s best to have the dude who is in the relationship text you first, but B decided to go ahead and stir up some trouble.
To be continued...
Self Love
"This is entitled Self Love"
My body is my temple,
So I'm a keep this simple.
Looking myself in the mirror,
What do I see?
The key word here is "I",
"I" don't care what you see.
"I" am me.
Flaws and all,
"I" love myself.
I have an AdDICKtion to myself,
I can careless about your money,
What job your working,
How good you look,
Or How many dudes you had fucked.
I refused to be another notch on your belt,
So you can tighten up your pants when your done,
Leaving me confused,
Your empty emotions covering my body.
Loving Myself,
In Love with Myself,
Either you or Myself?
I choose Myself.
Alone with Myself.
I'm happy with Myself....
Self Love.
An educated brutha,
Too smart for your games,
Move on to the next brutha,
I've stop playing games, when I was a child.
I'm a grown ass man, just loving his self.
Living my life,
I'm happy,
Just being myself.
Self Love...
Part 2 of my story "Eventually Everything Comes to the light" will be coming soon....
Just Some Random Thoughts...
I sat and wonder many times, and I am sure you have done this yourself from time to time. Have you ever thought of why it seems there aren't any real brothers out there? In the recent days I have been thinking about this strongly and quite recently I learn a valuable lesson on the importance of being real. Now of course their are real brothers out their, and it seems that the real ones get mistreated or push aside and the more they get pushed aside their thought process leads them to think and ask the same question. Once a real brother comes their way they treat him the same way that he had been treated and the cycle starts all over again.
This is true for almost everyone, gays, straight, bisexual, transsexual, and so on. It just keeps on going on and on. I've couldn't even allow good men to love me, because in the back of my mind I wonder if he was going to suddenly show his true colors. Looking for flaws in his wonderful exterior. What I didn't realize at the time, if you seek you shall find. Everyone will have some type of defect it's all about the willingness you have to deal with it and the same thing goes for him as well. But I digress...
We know exactly what we want, but I don't get why some dudes spend their time on men who isn't doing anything with their lives. It sort of makes you question yourself about the things lacking in yourself. Trust me I question myself as well, I would say things like "I'm a good person, why doesn't he realize it?" But if a man can't realize that he has something wonderful sitting right in front of him, but goes after the trash that is out there. He will never realize that you are the one. And if he can't see it then that's his lost and not yours. Don't ever make another man make you feel like your not worth it, because you are worth it and you don't have settle for nothing less than what you expect out of a man. Yes, you may be alone for a good while, because a good man will not just fall right into your lap. It takes time and I'm sure once you find that man, you'll feel so good that you found a man that you waited for and is on your level.
You know I go by this, GOD, your body, your mind, and your heart should be in agreement when you are deciding to get involve with some one.
GOD: He is your spiritual connection. They always say if your relationship with GOD is messed up, then what makes you think that your earthly relationships are going to work out. Now, lets break this down further. GOD is unconditional love, he will love you regardless and the more you talk with him, pray to him (mind you prayer is asking GOD for something, talking with him is a different story) and meditate on him, will strengthen the connection you have to him. And when you that pray that prayer about is this the right person for me, GOD will look at all the talks you had and give you an answers sometimes its not what we want but we know that it is for the best.
Your Body: Our bodies know what it likes and what it dislikes. I am talking about the sexual aspects of things. The only decision the body has to make is if he is pleasing to your eyes. Your body will mainly say yes, most of the time and this is when your mind has got to intervene.
Your Mind: When we asks questions about other peoples lives, their views on things. There are some things you'll agree with and something that you'll disagree with. The decision you mind has to make is if this person would be an asset or an liability to your life. Then comes the heart.
Your Heart: Your heart is the one that will finalize the decision. Sometimes your body will agree but the mind doesn't, but you'll your heart agrees. This happens all the time and this is when our relationship with GOD steps in. Now when the heart makes its decision it takes awhile for the decision to take place. Sometimes we can't stand to be around some dudes but after while they end up being our greatest love or our best friends. Time is the deciding factor. Give yourself time to get to know a man, why the rush? It's when we rush into things, we find our greatest hurt. During this time you should be talking with GOD, and praying to GOD and when we feel that little spark in our hearts we know what GOD has decided.
I wrote a poem awhile back called "Thoughts" it kind of captures what I am talking about, but I think you'll like it.
Eventually Everything Comes to the Light Pt. 1
I awoken out of my sleep in the middle of the night, just to find that your not here laying next to me. My thoughts rush back earlier today when we had a huge argument about you going to clubs. He would always tell me that it was my insecurities getting the best of me. It really wasn’t, I actually don’t mind him hanging out with his friends, but it just seems the clubs are the most important thing to him than hanging out with me on a Friday or Saturday night. I would watch him and his boys get tipsy every Friday, Saturday and even some Sunday nights before they would head for the club. As I sit here in the bed and think about it, I notice that he never asked me once if I wanted to go. I try to go one time but he told me that he needed his “me time”. I lay back down in our empty bed and try to sleep the loneliness away.
It’s 4:08 am in the morning. I hear you stumbling into our room smelling of smoke and sweat. I watch you strip to your boxers, your so drunk you don’t even notice that I’m still awake. He climbs into bed with out saying a word to me and in a couple of seconds your sleep. I sit myself up and just look at him. I don’t even know this man anymore. How did it get to be like this? How did I let him slip away from me? Maybe he does need his me time, I mean I know I do sometimes. I guess I should count my blessings that he made it home... right? So why do I feel the way I do?
Just when I was about to lay back down in our bed. I hear a buzzing sound in his pants pocket on the floor. I try to wake you but your to drunk to come out of your sleep. It was his phone telling him he had a text message. Sometimes my man would get text messages about meetings he have to attend for his job, and it was always me that made sure he gets the message. I reach to grab his pants off the floor and pull his cell phone out his pocket. I open the phone to view the message.
It Read....
Hey baby,
I hope u made it bac ok, I really Njoy our night 2gether, it was hot. 2 bad u had 2 rush off. I cant wait til next time
B from club X
I closed the cell phone and put it back where I found it. I quietly eased myself up from the bed and went out the room. Pain and hatred was my friends as I sat on on the back porch looking up at the moon. All of the missing pieces were now falling into place. I now know why we didn’t make love like we use to, the feelings of him not being here even though he was sleeping next to me, and him wanting his “me time”. It was starting to make sense.
I walked into our kitchen and pace back and forth. The more I paced the more angry I became. Morning was soon on its way. “What am I to do”, I thought. “And who the hell is this B?”, I whisper to myself. I gaze at the set of knives on the kitchen counter. Before I knew it I was pulling the butcher knife out. My mind was entertaining the idea of doing something I know I would regret. I slam the knife down on the table.
I thought maybe I could be over acting but that thought quickly diminished as the anger pulsated through my body. Five years I been with this man. Finally the tears came which were bitter hatred tears. “I have to pull myself together”, I said as I wiped my tears away.
I am 30 years old, I could go up there angry and fight with him, or I can go up there and face his ass like a man; find out what the real deal is. I’ll give him a chance to man up and tell me the truth but if not I know for a fact that eventually everything comes to the light.
Stay Tune...
"His Love"
His loving eyes tells it all,
That his love for me is real.
Kisses me with his smooth lips,
Tasting him is so sweet
His kisses lets me know,
That his love would last forever.
I look deep into his eyes and he tells me,
“baby I love you”.
His words are my refuge,
I fall back to sleep in the comfort of his love.
He leaves me a love note,
Baby,
You know your my heart have a great day a work
Love L
It makes me smile,
His love lets me knows he cares
When we go out,
His attention is always on me,
His love is the respect he has for me.
When we make love,
His gentle strokes, is pure ecstasy,
His love is my confirmation.
I fall asleep in his arms,
and I know when I awake,
His love will begin with a smile,
One Sunday
I never thought that I would meet a bother with some substance.” “Recently I’ve been meeting up with young kats that have no clue about life, and lately the sex is pretty much the same with these kats.” “No fire, no passion, no love; I just nut and leave.” “Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining but I’m getting older and I need stability in my life, I want to settle down.” “Tyler, what you need is CHURCH!!,” said Zachary. Zachary has been my friend since we were in high school. Zach had always been there for me, watching my back like a true friend suppose to do. I almost thought that I was going to lose Zach when I told him about my sexual preference. Zach accepted me, but being the Christian man that he is I know deep down, me being gay is a disappointment.
I’m sorry I forgot to introduce myself my name is Tyler James, I currently reside in Florence, South Carolina. I’m 36 years old, I have my own place, car and I work at a local college. I’ve been in the life every since I was 18 and during those 18 years I’ve been down with dudes, I had only 2 boyfriends both who had cheated on me. My life sucks.
“Maybe I should try this church thing huh”, “It’s not a thing,” said Zach. “It’s an spiritual experience, my brother God has something in stored for you, you just wait and see.” “I guess... Well man let me get off this phone and get some sleep, I’ll see you at church tomorrow,” I said. Okay my brother be bless,” said Zach.
As I hung up the phone, I couldn’t help but to wonder, “Is this life style really for me.” I started to think back on those nights I would go cursing downtown picking up “trade” and enticing them to give me some head while I drove around the block a couple of times. I thought back on the nights when I use to pick up young kats and bring them back to the my apartment and fuck the shit out of them. I used to have threesomes, foursomes, and so on. It wasn’t until I met my first love David that slowed me down. Dam that boy was fine. He cater to all my needs, not only was he sexy this boy was smart. Working his way through college; had his own car, place and his own money. David was a inbetween brother, masculine in public but when I got his ass in the bed the bitch came out of him. I loved that about him. I used to love making him moan as I fed him my dick, and boy can he suck a mean dick. Just thinking about David made my dick jump right out of my boxers. It’s getting late and I’m horny as mother fucker, I’m sure God wouldn’t mind me busting a nut real quick.
The next morning I got up, took a shower and got dress. Got in the car and met up with Zach and his family at First Baptist Church. Funny how there are so many First Baptist Churches around, smiling at the thought and silently praying that this church isn’t one of those homophobic churches that throw the bible in your face.
Listening to the preacher speak, I found my self observing the members of the church. I notice this one guy in particular. Who was very handsome. I believe he was about 6ft 1in with a slim build. He wasn’t too skinny, or too muscular he was the right size. The way I like my men. When he stood I notice he had a little phatty too. Before I knew it I was rock hard in the middle of a church service. I try to focus on the service but this brother was just plain sexy. I was in a daze imagining this brother giving me head staring right at him. In a instant my lustful daze was broken when he caught me staring. He just smile and went back to praising the Lord.
After church Zach pull me to the side, “So how did you enjoy it?” “It was good man, I needed it.” Thinking to myself that I had no clue what the pastor talked about. “So I’ll will see you next Sunday right,” Zach said. “Yeah, I’ll be there. “Praise the Lord!” Zach said in loud tone. “I’ll call you later Zach.” “Okay, man be bless man and remember God got something in stored for you my brother, you just wait and see.”
Walking to my car I notice the brother I was checking out at church was upset about something. Before I could think, I asked “Is every thing okay.” “No, man my car won’t start and no body seems to have any jumper cables, you wouldn’t happen to have any,” he said. “No, man sorry” Still not thinking before I speak I asked, “Do you need a ride?” “Yeah, man that would be great.” “I’m Tyler by the way,” with my hand out ready for a hand shake. “Nice to meet you Tyler, I’m Martin.” “How far are you from here?” “I’m about 20 mins away,” dam there goes my gas I thought. “Well hop in brother.”
Riding to Martin place I got a better look at him and boy was he finer up close. He had a chestnut brown complexion and light brown eyes. “I really appreciated this,” said Martin breaking the silence in the car. “Oh not a problem, but I do have a question, ” “Shoot,” said Martin. “Why on earth do you travel this far out, just to go to church,” I asked. “Well, this church has been my church home every since I was child, I guess I just couldn’t give it up, so many memories,” said Martin. “I guess man, I guess,” with a smile on my face. Martin smile back and it wasn’t until then I notice how big is lips was. Just thinking about those lips pressed around my dick made me rock hard. Noticing my hard-on Martin told me to make a left here and we was at his house.
A simple 2 story house. It wasn’t much but it was home to Martin. “Would you like to come in?” he said. “Yeah, sure.” I have nothing else better to do I thought. Once we got inside his house. I notice that Martin was a big Steelers fan. Every where you look had something to do with the Steelers. “I see your a big fan” “Yeah, they been my favorite team for the longest,” said Martin coming out of the kitchen with two beer bottles in his hand. “Thanks man, their my favorite as well.” I said taking the cold beer for his hand. “The Steelers was suppose to be playing today, guess I read about it in the newspaper to see if they won or not.” I said. “No you don’t have to do that man, I recorded today’s game on Tivo.” “Want to watch it?” said Martin. “Sure, I’m down with that.”
Watching the game with Martin was really fun, we ordered take out, watch TV, movies and drunk beer for the rest of the afternoon. I notice that it was getting real late, but when I stood up I was so drunk that I couldn’t even walk. “You, okay to drive man,” said Martin. “Yeah.......I’m.......Okay.” “No your not, your staying right here for the night.” “You don’t even know me like that,” I said. “Well that’s a risk I’m going have to take,” said Martin. “Here, sit right here Tyler, while I go and get some blankets.”
Before I knew it I was passed out. When Martin came back he woke me up by taking my shoes off. I liked the idea of him undressing me. My dick grew hard at the thought. As he unbutton my dress shirt. I began smiling at him and he smile back and before I knew it I was pulling him into a passionate kiss. Martin tried to resist but soon gave in as my tongue search for his. “I am sorry man, I just don’t know what came over me.” I said. To my surprise Martin lean his head down and kiss me with a even more passionate kiss. He whisper into my ear “follow me.” Grabbing me by the hand. Martin lead me to his bedroom. Where he dim the lights and put on some of his favorite slow jams.
Pushing me on the bed. Martin slowly unbuckled my dress pants revealing my hard dick print in my boxers briefs. Martin looked at me with love in his eyes as he kiss my body from head to toe. Martin was craving my body just as I was craving his. Every kiss he planted on my body made my dick even harder. Pulling the boxer briefs off. Martin revealed my thick 9in dick. I could feel his warm breath on my dick as he kissed around my dick, first taking in my balls one by one. Martin slowly work his way up to the tip of my dick making my dick throb. Taking all of me in his mouth Martin sucked me as if it was his last dick he will ever suck. His tongue swirled around my dick like it was ice cream. Sending pure pleasure throughout my body.
Before I knew it, Martin had undressed himself and was sliding his warm ass on my dick. I could feel his insides stretch to the width of my dick. Moaning as he went down further taking all of me into him. Soon as Martin got use to my dick he began to ride my dick, I could feel how bad he wanted me as he squeeze his ass tighter around my dick. I was so close to nutting that I stop Martin and decided I wanted it from the back. He willing comply to my wish and he took my dick like a pro. Throwing that ass back on it. I couldn’t contain my self any longer as I busted a phat nut in that booty.
Pulling my limp dick from his ass. Laying next to him. Martin looked at me with seducing eyes, “that was nothing, I hope you ready for round two, I got more in store for you.....”
Later Down the Road...
Its been 5 years since I met Martin and Yes I made him mine after a couple of months dating and Hot nights of pleasure we been happy ever since. Dam I guess Zach was right God really had something in stored for me. I just had to wait and see.
